As the working week has just started – I thought I would pop a few funnies on line for you to look at
1. “I went to a restaurant the other day called ‘Taste of the Raj.’ The waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.”
– Harry Hill
2. “I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.”
3. “Doctor, Doctor, my arm is broken in three places.”
“Well stay out of those places.”
– Tommy Cooper
4. “Behind every great man is a woman with a hostage.”
– Jim Kinloch (comedy writer)
5. “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. And monkey’s do too – if they have a gun.”
– Eddie Izzard (read Eddie Izzard Comedy God)
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
– Tommy Cooper
7. “‘Employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
– Demetri Martin
8. “I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk it says. ‘You don’t have to be mad to work her, but it helps. ‘Mind you, she’s written it in her own shit.”
– Alan Carr
9. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? – A stick.
10. I’ve just come back from this new restaurant, Wong Fritz. It’s a Chinese German fusion. [A BEAT] Now I’m hungry for power.
– Jim Kinloch (based on a traditional premise)
11. An ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police said he topped himself.
12. “Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
13. How do you call a prison inmate? – Use a cell phone.
14. “Nelson Mandela, He’s been out of prison for 16 years and hasn’t re-offended. I think he’s going straight. Which shows you, prison works.”
– Ricky Gervais
15. Why do seagulls live near the sea? Because if they lived near the bay, they’d be called bagels.
16. What is small, red and whispers? – A hoarse radish.
17. “On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who’s eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?”
– Victoria Wood
18. Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
– Mark Twain
19. I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
– Rita Rudner
20. “I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.”
– Lenny Bruce
21. “I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.”
– Steven Wright (read 10 Steven Wright one-liners)
22. “What’s black and white and eats like a horse? – A Zebra.
23. “”A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin’ cross? It’s kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.”
– Bill Hicks (read Bill Hicks Comedy God)
24. “An overweight guy went to the doctor who advised him to try a keep fit DVD. But the guy said he couldn’t be bothered. “Well” suggested the doctor, “try something that leaves you a little short of breath.” So the buy took up smoking.”
– Jo Brand
25. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
– Les Dawson
Here is a chap on You Tube who squeezes 51 jokes into 4 minutes!
Finally a lovely song by Demis Roussos – to remind us of the lovely sun we have been having.