A selection of “Larfs”

A small trawl of the internet, and I am able to present you with some “jollies” to brighten up the last day of the weekend, before you go back to work,  or study!

A mass of children’s jokes copied from http://www.freshforkids.com.au/jokes/jokes.html

Q: What is square and green?
A: A lemon in disguiseQ: How do you make an artichoke?
A: Strangle it

Q: What’s the fastest vegetable?
A: A runner bean

Q: What do you call two rows of vegetables?
A: A dual cabbage way

Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?
A: Because it wasn’t peeling well

Q: What is small, round and giggles a lot?
A: A tickled onion

Q: What’s the strongest vegetable?
A: A muscle sprout

From: Natalya Byrt, NSW

Q: What did the apple skin say to the apple?
A: I’ve got you covered

From: Tayla, QLD

Q: What did the traffic light say to the tomato crossing?
A: “Don’t look now, I’m changing”

From: Minnell Chandra, NSW

Q: What did they say to the man who went for a job at the print shop?
A: Sorry, you’re not the right type.

From: Jack, QLD

Q: Why aren’t bananas ever lonely?
A: Because they come in bunches!

From: John Utah, NSW

Q: What is a vampire’s favourite fruit?
A: A neck-tarine!

From: Amanda Lee, ACT

Q: Why did the Tomato go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date!

Q: How do you fix a broken tomato?
A: Tomato paste!

Q: What did the lettuce say to the celery?
A: Quit stalking me.

From: Justin Hayden, NSW

Knock, Knock
Who’s there? Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in and you’ll find out.

From: Michael Alonso, VIC

Q: What do fish call a submarine?
A: A can of people.

From: Mandy, QLD

Q: Why do witches ride a broomsticks?
A: Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.

From: Enrico

Q: What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato whilst on a family walk?
A: Ketchup.

From: Harry, NSW

Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because he saw the salad dressing.

From: Anna, QLD

Q: Why didn’t the teacher believe the ghost?
A: Because she could see right through him.

From: Joe, WA

Q: What do you call a retired vegetable?
A: A has-bean.

From: Jessica, QLD

Q: What happens to grapes when you step on them?
A: The wine.

From: Amy, NSW

Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grump-pea.

From: Armando, NSW

Q: What do you call a fast fungus?
A: A mush-vroom.

From: Lisa, ACT

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Olive who?
Olive here (I live here)

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Turnip who?
Turnip the radio please!

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Bean who?
Bean a while since I last saw ya!

From: Alycia McDonall, NSW

Q: Why did the lemon cross the road?
A: Because it wanted to be a lemon squash!

From: Rachel, VIC

Q: What do chickens grow on?
A: Eggplants.

From: Raman Subbarethinam, QLD

Q: What do you call a fish which can say its own name?
A: Bob!

From: Katie Hartlepool

Q: What is red and blushes?
A: An embarrassed tomato!

From: Julian Warren

Q: How do you find a lost rabbit?
A: Easy. Make a noise like a carrot.

From: Anonymous

Q: What is small, red and whispers?
A: A hoarse radish.

From: Anonymous

Q: What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross buns.

From: Andrew, NSW

Q: What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
A: Dam.

From: Ashleigh, QLD

Q: Do you know who the father of all bad jokes is?
A: Pop Corn!!

From: Anonymous

Q: Who greets you at the door of a haunted house?
A: A ghost host.

From: Anonymous

Q: If a youg pig is called a piglet, what is a young bull called?
A: A bullet.

From: Jeanne, NSW

Q: What did the fly say when it flew into a window?
A: If I had more guts I’d do that again.

From: Anonymous

Q: What did the skeleton sing on the motorcycle?
A: Bad to the bone…

From: Anonymous

Q: Why didn’t the first chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.

Q: What kind of dog has no tail?
A: Hot dog.

Q: Why was six so sad?
A: Because seven ate nine.

From: Alice Robinson, Brisbane, QLD

Q: What’s black and white and red all over?
A: A newspaper.

Q: Why did the hen cross the road?
A: To prove she wasn’t chicken!

Q: What gets bigger the more you take away?
A: A hole!

From: Dara Robinson, Brisbane, QLD

Q: Why did the passion fruit vine lose its passion?
A: Because its fruit fell off!

From: Anonymous

Mr Blueberry and a Mr Banana were talking about the bear giving Ms Grape a hug.
“I think he squeezed her a little too hard”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because she let out a little wine”

From: Anonymous

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he had no guts.

From: Nathan

Q: What do you get if you cross a camel and a cow?
A: A lumpy milkshake!

From: Van, Chermside, QLD

Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw Mrs Greenpea over the back fence.

From: Sommer and Ellie, NSW

Q: What do you call two banana peels?
A: A pair of slippers

From: Megan Bray, NSW

Q: Why did the beetroot blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing…

From: Levi Worden

Q: What did the eye say to the other eye?
A: Between you and me something smells!

From: Anonymous

Q: What did the Mama melon say to the baby melons boyfriend?
A: You Cant-Eloupe

From: Anonymous

Q: What goes ha ha ha plonk?
A: A skeleton laughing his head off!

Q: What did the hammer say to the piece of wood?
A: We nailed that one!

From: Stevie Newey, NSW

Teacher: Class give me a sentence with politics in it.
Student: My parrot Poly ate a clock, and now, polytics.

From: Samantha Li, NSW, Age 9

Q: Which one is heavier? A snail or an elephant?
A: A snail because it carries its house on its back.

From: Catherine Li, NSW, Age 11

Q: What is a navy officer’s favourite fruit?
A: Naval oranges.

From: Raman Subbarethinam, QLD

Q: What’s the shape of a clover and is green?
A: Captain Capsicum!

From: Charmaine

Two Irish potatoes were sitting on a chopping board.
“I’m about to change my nationality” one said to the other
“How?” the other potato asked
“By becoming French fries!”

From: Anonymous

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howard who?
Howard I know u!!

From: Anonymous

Q: Which vegie plays sport?
A: Squash.

From: Joanne Lee, QLD

Q: What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge?
A: Close the door I’m dressing!

From: Jenna, NSW

Q: Why was the Banana scared?
A: He saw the salad roll.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the disco.
A: He had no body to go with

From: Kate Young, QLD

Q: What is the different between a piano and a fish?
A: You can’t tuna fish!

From: Tuscany, Castle Hill NSW

Q: Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?
A: Because he ran out of juice.

From: Jonathan H, Aroona QLD

Q: What fruit swings in the trees?
A: Tarzan the grapeman

From: Isaak I, Wolumla NSW

Q: Why was the piano on the porch?
A: Because he forgot his keys!

From: Sammi T, Blayney NSW

Q: Why did the lemon cross the road?
A: To make lemon squash!

From: Mathew C, Rockingham WA

Q: What’s red and hot?
A: Summa Strawberry!

From: Charmaine C, Hornsby, NSW

Q: How do you make a banana milkshake?
A: Jump out and yell, BOO to the banana

From: Bassem Y

Q: What did the apple say to the bug?
A: Stop bugging me!!!!!!

From: Simeran B, Sydney, NSW

The tomato family went for a walk one day.
Daddy tomato walked back to where Baby tomato who was lagging behind was & trod on him & said “Ketchup” (catch up!)

From: Chloe, Eleebana, NSW

Q: Why is a pea small and green?
A: Because if it was large and red it would be a tomato!

Q: What do you call a banana that likes to dance?
A: A banana shake!

Q: Why is a snail the strongest animal?
A: Because it can carry it’s house on it’s back!

Knock, Knock
Who’s there?

Lettuce who?

Lettuce in please, I am cold

From: Emily, Howlong, NSW

Q: Why did my Mum say when she drank MY strawberry shake?
A: That was berry nice!!!!!!!!!

Q: Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
A: They’d crack each other up!

From: Simeran Bahia, Sydney, NSW

Q: Why did the guy get fired from the orange juice factory?
A: He couldn’t concentrate!

From: Andrew, Wagga Wagga, NSW

Q: Why was the mushroom invited to lots of parties?
A: Because he was a fungi to be with!

From Tiarna Herrero, Slacks Creek, QLD

Q: Why did the orange stop at the top of the hill?
A: Because it ran out of juice!

From Nathan Cheney, Happy Valley, SA

Q: Why did the man get thrown out of the banana factory?
A: Because he kept throwing the bent ones out!

From Laura Raso, Stanbridge, NSW

Q: What has a bottom at the top???
A: Your legs!

From Jacqui, NSW

Q: What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies!

Q: Why did the duck cross the road?
A: He wanted to prove he wasn’t a chicken!!

From Claire Montague, Lane Cove, NSW

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?

Red who?

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?

Red Who?

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?

Orange who?

Orange you happy that Red is gone!

From Amar Sehic, NSW

Q: Why did the spider go on the internet?
A: To make a Webpage.

Q: What illness do martial artists get?
A: Kung – Flu.

Q: How do frogs send messages?
A: Morse toad.

From Samantha Duncan, Mackay

Q: What do Elephants play with ants?
A: Squash

Q: What did the banana in the sun say to the other banana in the sun?
A: I don’t know about you but I’m starting to peel!

Q: What is red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator!

Q: How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
A: With a pumpkin patch!

Q: Why did the jelly wobble?
A: Because it saw an apple turnover!

Q: Why is a pea small and green?
A: If it was large and red it would be a fire engine!

From Lauren Ferguson

Q: How did the farmer fix his jeans ?
A: With a cabbage patch!

From Corey Crosby

Q: What animal can carry the most on its back?
A: The Snail. He carries his house on its back

Q: How do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat of a car?
A: Have him sit in the back seat with you

From Chantala Walsh

Q: Why did Uncle Thickwit think he was built upside down?
A: Because his feet smelt and his nose ran!

From Phillip Kirby

Q: Why did the lettuce go red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.

From Kylie Tarrant, Cronulla, NSW

Q: Why is History like a fruit cake?
A: Because it’s full of dates!

Q: What is Dracula’s favourite food?
A: Neck-tarines

Q: What’s red and green & wears boxing gloves?
A: A fruit punch!

From Samantha Turner, Hassall Grove, NSW

Q: Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
A: So he wouldn’t be found in the strawberry patch.

From Megan Kruijver, Sung, TAS

Knock Knock
Who’s there?

Banana who?

Banana Apple




Author: wirelesswaffle

A radio enthusiast from the UK - but also includes humour and comments on a wide variety of subjects including music and photos. A hobby site

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