Jokes for the weekend

From a site called Aaron’s jokes

Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?

It took him two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Weird world

In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird.

Now the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it normal.

Some jokes from BBC Radio Staffordshire listeners

A very old one!! Why are the soles of elephants’ feet yellow? So they can lay upside down camouflaged in a bowl of custard!

I used to be big-headed, self-important and a know-it-all. Then I went to see a psychiatrist. Now I’m perfect.

if marsians live on mars and venusians live on venus who lives on pluto????? Fleas! (Pluto the dog….)

Brian Tunstall
My friend was always showing me photos of his dog saying how clever it was, bringing his paper & slippers, it could nearly talk, so when he brought in the album from his daughters wedding I looked through it and said, “hang on” where`s the dog, he looked at me as if I was stupid and said “well someone had to take the photos”

what’s the difference between frank sinatra and walt disney? frank sings but walt does’nee

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? A bio ethical debate about the dangers and controversy surrounding genetic engineering

Three Irish men walking home from the pub: Shamus, Paddy & Liam. They take a shortcut through a graveyard to the road. Shamus is the first one to fall over, “What’s that Paddy asks?” “I tripped over a grave stone” said Shamus, “and the fella was 73 years old when he died….!” “Blimey O’Reily” said Paddy, just as he himself tripped and fell. “This fella was 97 when he shuffled off” states Paddy, “and his name was John Taggart”, “Blimey O’Reily” says Liam, just as he himself goes flying over another gravestone, “By the love of Mary..! “Exclaims Liam, “This fella was 157…!” What was his name asks Shamus & Paddy, simultaneously..?” Liam bends down, striking a match in the gloom to see the name on the stone, rising slowly he says….. ” His name was Miles……………….. from Dublin..”

BIG JC (rich man)
why didnt the skelton go to the party? Coz it had nobody to go with.

doctor doctor,iv just eaten 5 red snooker balls,4 browns,3 yellows a pink,2 blacks and a blue and i dont feel very well?….doctor wonder you arent eating your greens!!

How many stupid people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to hold the lightbulb and one to turn the ladder!

bunny boo
why can’t the polar eat the penguin? Because he can’t get the wrapper off

dean and lindsay
what do you call a man who plays with leaves? Russel

Rhiannon Soulsby
Where do lions like to shop? At a jungle sale

Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic? Wondered for days if there was a dog!

Katie Hemingway
Why did the banana go to the doctors? Because he wasn’t peeling well.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He decided to expand his business and opened a warehouse.

matthew harris
why did the dino cross the road? beacause chickens weren’t born yet.

Paddy and Murphy were walking down the street when Murphy fell down a hole. Paddy yelled to Murphy, “Is it dark down there?” Murphy replied, “I don’t know, I can’t see!”

Big Si
Man goes into the doctors and says “Doctor I can’t stop singing ‘The green green grass of home'”. “Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome”. “Is it common?”. “It’s not unusual….”

Three guys were asked what they would like people to say about them when they were looking at them as they lay in their coffins after they had died.
the first guy said he would like people to say he was a good guy and a great mate, the second guy said he would like people to say he always did the right thing and he was a good guy, after a bit of thought the third guy said he would like people to say…….. he’s moving!!

Alex.C. Anthon
What did the police man say to his tummy? You’re under a-vest!!!!!

knock, knock. whos there? biggish… biggish who? no thanks just bought one…

William Shakespeare walks into a bar. “Oi,” says the barman, “you’re bard!”

What makes this noise? oooooOOOOO, oooOOOOO a cow with no lips

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put him in the microwave till he’s Bill Withers.

Peter Walkeden
Did you here about the chap who was so sexist that he thought that “harrass” was two words ?

martyn austin
two lumps of sick walking down the road, one stops and starts crying. his mate says ‘what’s the matter mate?’ he replied, ‘i was brought up round here.’

A man was delivering some monkeys to Chester zoo, when his van broke down. he was standing at the side of the road wondering what to do when he saw a farmer approaching with an empty lorry. He flagged the farmer down and offered him £500 pounds to take the monkeys to the zoo. The farmer agreed and the monkeys were transferred to the farmer’s lorry and off he went. A couple of hours later the man was still waiting for a breakdown vehicle to come when he saw the farmer coming back, still with the monkeys on board. He flagged the farmer down again and asked why he hadn’t taken the monkeys to the zoo. “I did.” said the farmer. “We had a great time and there is some money left over, so I’m taking them to Alton Towers.”  graphic comments-Funny Graphics Cartoon Jokes Glitter Comments & Graphics  graphic comments-Funny Jokes Cartoon Jokes Glitter Comments & Graphics  graphic comments-Funny Graphics Cartoon Jokes Glitter Comments & Graphics  graphic comments-Funny Cartoon Cartoon Jokes Glitter Comments & Graphics

Why has EDWARD WOODWARD got 4 D’S in his name? If he hadn’t he would be EWAR WOOWAR

What did the traffic light say to the car? Dont look i’m changing!

what do u call a deer with no eyes……………………. i have no idea

what do you call an elephant with no legs? anything you want it can’t chase you.


Author: wirelesswaffle

A radio enthusiast from the UK - but also includes humour and comments on a wide variety of subjects including music and photos. A hobby site

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