Grumpy’s Comedy Corner
The following are all genuine extracts from letters sent to Local Councils:
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls off the roof.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
The toilet seat is cracked, where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.
I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Will you please send someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Would you please repait our toilet, my son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Would you send someone to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get BBC2
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it was very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5.30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When I applied for a rebate you said that you would have to take something off. Now that you have taken it off, I have been told that you should have put some on. So will you please take off what you took off and put on what you should have put on when you took it off.
When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
Motor Insurance Claims
“I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings.”
“The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.”
“I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before.”
“The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.”
“Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early”
“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.”
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were – Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
“I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.”
“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again”
“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.”
“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”
“I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
“I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”
“The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.”
“I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.”
“The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. ”